by Anthony Kane, MD Have a teenage child? Ever witnessed this type of situation?
Teen: I want that dress
You: You can’t have it. At least I won’t buy it for you.
Teen: But why? What’s wrong with it?
You: There is nothing wrong with. What’s wrong is your closet contents. You have more dresses then you need. There are several which you haven’t even worn.
Teen: So I want a good collection. Don’t you want a good collection of CD’s for yourself?
You: Honey, I buy what I use. I don’t buy needlessly.
Teen: Yeah so? Don’t you have a collection? And dresses are an absolute need of a teenage girl. Why don’t you ever look at thing from my perspective?
You: Because most of the time they’re wrong!
Teen: And who are you to decide that?
You: Your mother. Sara, this discussion is pointless. You are not having that dress. Period.
Teen: You’re always unfair. You don’t understand me. I hate you. Your not my mother. Mothers aren’t so mean. Ann’s mother is so cool. She gets Ann whatever Ann wants. And you? You always have some or the other issue with buying me stuff.
What do you feel? Losing your authority as a parent? Anger? Destruction of your respect? Frustration?
Now lets try the above conversation this way;
Teen: I want that dress.
You: Sara, you want that dress and I will not buy it for you not unless all those new dresses in your closet are worn atleast once.
Teen: but why? What’s wrong with it?
You: Let’s buy groceries then we’ll figure out what’s wrong with it.
Teen: No, I don’t want to buy some dumb groceries with you. First you buy me that dress. Look at Ann’s mum. She buys Ann whatever Ann wants. She’s not a miser like you.
You: Sara you like Ann’s mother and you don’t want to help me buy groceries and I have to buy those groceries so you sit in the car while I get the groceries done okay honey.
*you go to buy groceries*
Wondering what’s the difference in both conversations? The difference is huge.
In the first conversation, the mother is arguing with her daughter while in the second conversation, the mother is avoiding a conversation with her daughter.
If you want to hang on to your dignity and sidestep arguments with your own kid all you have to do is try tackling the situation a bit differently then your usual way.
First, you listen to your child very quietly and calmly. Once the child is done, the ball is in your court. It’s your turn. You form your sentence in three parts:
Your sentence begins with addressing your child with name.
You highlight your child’s position by repeating what he said a while ago; your sentence connects with the next part with the word “and”. The word “and” gives the impression that there is no contradiction, just an addition to what has been said up until now.
Then you tell your child what you expect him/her to do and you make it very clear that your terms are not debatable.
There is no fool proof method of handling teenagers because they are so emotionally unpredictable. Therefore, its not like this method would always works but something is better then nothing. It might not solve the problem entirely but it would definitely be handy enough to make it better.
The best part about this strategy is it’s an “applicable-at-all-ages” formula. You can use it when your child is old enough to talk till he’s old enough to move out.
